Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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