that's what penises do
they tell lies.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
