K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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