I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
