It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
