sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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