I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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