my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
