He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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