I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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