i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"