I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen