i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.