im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
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I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.