I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
