the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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