Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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