The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You ruined the universe
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
