I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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