I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
