i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
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I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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