Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
