note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
