this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
