I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
