this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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