you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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