If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
