I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
