It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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