he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
