Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
