the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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