oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
