These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
