You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
