I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Randomize
