he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
