Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
