no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
