I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
