She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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