whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
