The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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