I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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