I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
