Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
