Well apparently he's into motor boating.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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