She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
