Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
