I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
She bit a glass in half.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
