I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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