One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
