That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
