I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
