Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
