u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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