My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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